i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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