seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
