Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
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