Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
