I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My cat gives me a boner
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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