i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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