so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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