I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think your dad took our porno
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
