get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
