just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Randomize
