And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
