my phone needs a breathalizer
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
