i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
