Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
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