Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
