I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
