I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
