doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
