Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
