We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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