Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm too high and old for this...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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