Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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