Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
