Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
