one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
