toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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