did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
