my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
