I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my shit smells like andre
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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