I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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