swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
