Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
