i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
