I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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