I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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