She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
