Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
