Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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