Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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