I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
