Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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