I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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