It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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