shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
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