he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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