Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
