My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
