before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
