My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
