Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
