In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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