well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
