I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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