Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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