Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
