I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
